The Coldest Story Ever Told

Sly Madeoff aka Burnee Madeoff aka David Lawson

2011-01-09T08:31:00.000-08:00

December 26, 2010 My beloved cousin, Sly Madeoff, sat down on his mothers sofa to watch the Bears game. He sat down and he died. And now ... and now my heart is broken.

Sly Madeoff

2011-01-02T17:16:00.000-08:00

Im not ready yet. I thought I was. I was wrong. I am sorry.

Makin Good

2010-12-21T22:38:00.001-08:00

My family has been through a LOT this last year. A shit ton of ... shit. My kids have put up with a lot and have suffered more than they should have.
I moved them across the country with the promise of better opportunities and brighter days. For over a year I have failed to deliver. I made promises and asked for patience. "I'm workin on it babies. I'm workin on it."
Christmas is a few days away and I think I'm finally gonna come through.
Momma is gonna come correct, ya'll.

Dont Doubt

2010-12-13T21:33:00.000-08:00

Ive been sitting here staring off into space trying to figure out how Im going to tell this story. Where do I start? What do I tell? Who do I protect? Then I raised my hands to the keyboard and I remember. This is my story to tell. This is what happened .. to me. Its mine. For all its worth and for all it isnt, its mine. Im not going to edit or censor or protect .. anyone.

I talked to my brother tonight. Well, we IM'd on Facebook. But it was the most communication we have had in almost 20 years. For more years than I want to admit there was nothing at all, for whatever reason. Reasons. Plenty of reasons. Then there was the occasional email here and there ... the throwing of the bone. The emotional highs and lows of "OMG He's here! He's in my INBOX again!" .. and then he's gone. But the weather is nice in DC. At least I got the weather.

So many times I told myself I had to let him go. I had to succumb to the reality that I had burned that bridge long ago and I had to accept that he didnt want me around, either. I couldnt be mad at him for it. I couldnt blame him for it. And I didnt. I knew what I had done and I deserved what I got. Even as bad as it hurt, I knew I deserved it and I didnt blame him for it. I still loved him and I always would. He saved my life ... and I turned and ran out on his.

What he and I went through together was horrible. A nightmare. Made even worse by the fact that we were babies! Children! Little kids! My brother was 6 years old, I was barely 3 and he was taking care of me because our parents wouldnt. Not that they couldnt, they would prove in the years to come that they could care for children, they just wouldnt. Not us, anyway.

I am a chronic thrower awayer. Deal with that. I live my life with my shoes on and my bags packed. I am going to walk out on you. I am going to cut you out of my life and throw you away and I will forget about you before you even realize what Ive done. Its what I do. Its what was done to me and its all I know.

Until tonight I believed this was just another of my many many character flaws and I was ashamed. I knew that I had hurt a lot of people along the way. I knew that. I knew that I let people take care of me and care about me and love me and then I walked out on them and never turned back. Sometimes I slipped out in the middle of the night. Sometimes I burst out the front door screaming and crying. Sometimes I smiled at them and told them I would be right back. Everytime ... I ran. I left. I bolted. I never went back.

People dont act like that. People dont do that. What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell makes me so damn special that I can just toss people aside and walk away like that? How dare I take advantage of the kindness and goodness of all these people who loved me and cared about me and did everything they could to try to save me!?

I am not heartless. (Really, Im not. I dont care what they say, Im not). I have a HUGE heart. I am kind and caring and compassionate and considerate and I would do anything for anyone. Im not heartless. I am ... broken. And now I know that Im not the only one. I cant believe that after all this time and after all these years I am just now .. today .. tonight .. finding out that I am not the only one ... and I am not the one to blame.

so far .. not so fast

2010-12-03T15:33:00.001-08:00

Um. Wow. Maybe this time I'll do this?
Ive come soooo far.
And time is racing.
So fast.

Because earning my BA in Psychology and Sociology was never just Fancy Talk

2009-09-03T00:52:00.000-07:00

I have started a project and I have walked away from it. I have run. I have barrelled down the highway in disillusioning time and speed, running from it.

I am back now and I have started a project.

Because this is, in fact, The Coldest Story Ever Told.

And if I have only one reader while this tale is told .. let it be me.

Im.so.full.of.it

2009-06-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

Ha Ha Im so full of it. Here I am yet again .. twice in one day. Write it down. Oh wait, I just did. I'll tell you why Im here again and not ... out there somewhere making you wonder where madness is.

Its a little something called I missed two weeks of classes and spent the last six days catching up .. which pretty much turned out to be one giant marathon panic attack / work my ass off week.

Im still two assignments away from totally caught up but one requires that I downloand Visio which I *did* but have to do again and the other requires that I conduct research in the online library and .. well .. I currently have a hate/hate relationship with the online library so Im pretending it doesnt exist. *whistles and drawn circles in the sand with her toes*

Im.So.Lame.

2009-06-06T16:41:00.001-07:00

So I have been off of work, off of work? out of work? unemployed for almost four months. Four months. Almost 16 weeks. Thats all the math Im willing to do right now. I started blogging again at the beginning of my laziness .. er .. off work-ed-ness thinking I would blog like crazy and be all proud of myself. Ha! Im guessing I dont know Me very well because, yeah right, that didnt happen. At all.
Why? Because Im lazy as all get out.
Im not here saying Im going to start writing again .. by any means. Im just here, now because it occured to me how totally lame I am.
Or have been.
Either way .. I said it.
Good Day.

creepy

2009-06-05T07:53:00.001-07:00

fyi -- its really creepy that your stalking me on my blog.

well wuddya know 'bout that?

2009-04-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I woke up one day and realized that time is most definitely marching on and holy shit look at that! .. Apparently its been marching on and dragging me through shit fields and salt mines for the last seven or ten years.

Dont roll your eyes asshole. This isnt gonna be one of those whiny bitchy blame karma and the cosmos kind of events, so sit back down.

Time has been drudging me through shit and salt because Ive been letting it. There will be no finger pointing or pity parties here. Im gonna grab hold of this bitch called life and reclaim it as my own. Surprisingly enough .. it will still be known as "bitch" on account of .. well .. lets be real here people .. this is still me.

Daughter: "Mom, when is easter?" -- Me "LaLaLa I cant HEAR YOU!"

2009-04-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

When I was like five or six, I woke up on easter and blah blah blah easter baskets and chocolate before church .. blah blah blah .. I ended up throwing up VIOLENTLY (Im sure it was violent vomit, not your average vomit) .. blah blah blah ..

Im now 32 years old and to this day I can NOT eat chocolate in the shape of a bunny or an egg .. and the smell of easter grass makes me turn every shade of an easter egg.

True story.

im so hardcore

2009-04-02T05:50:00.000-07:00

So I took one of those Facebook quiz things .. ok .. I took like 85 of them (Hi, Im an addict, have I mentioned that?) This particular one was "Which Crazy Bitch Are You?" .. and since I have been called a Crazy Bitch by every.single.mother.fucker.Ive.ever.met.and.even.a.few.that.Ive.NEVER.met.
I decided to do this little quiz and find out just exactly which crazy bitch I am! Because apparently you can find this shit out .. on Facebook .. for free. WHO KNEW!?

At first I was totally hoping I'd end up being Mallory from Natural Born Killers .. so I could be all "HOW SEXY AM I NOW FUCKER!?!?" .. and then .. I saw "Courtney Love" and was all "..the fuck??" .. and then .. I read it and was all "..the fuck?? Facebook is like Jesus! I think I *am* Courtney Love" .. which is kinda hard to admit, even now, cause she's kinda a total fuck up.

I'll let you be the judge..

You are one wild bitch. You love trouble and trouble loves you. You like to have a good time and won't let anyone get in your way. Sometimes you seem like you are perpetually trapped in a childhood mentality and you take alot of flack from alot of people for your carefree ways. Nevertheless you care alot about the people close to you and if anyone messes with you or the ones you love, you will fuck them up. You can rock out with the best of them and won't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are this perfect balance between girly chick and tough chick. You are blatantly honest and sometimes people can find this a little hard to take but you really don't give a shit. .

gettin my shit together

2009-03-31T16:59:00.001-07:00

i know ya'll .. you dont have to tell me .. my new blog is sucking major ass .. thats because Im in kind of a major funk right now.
Never fear ya'll .. I'll get my shit together and be back in all my crazy whacked out glory ..

hearthealthy

2009-03-25T11:02:00.001-07:00

..because Im 32 with just about ev-ar-ay risk factor known to man for heart disease .. including strong family history with the females on my mothers side .. yeah ..
Starting next week, Madness is going MadHeartHealthy .. stay tuned, and play along?

.. because I need to start my day being told Im despicable ..

2009-03-23T04:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Samantha,

Here is your AstroSlam for Monday, March 23:

For someone whose scale is constantly swaying, it's a surprisingly thin line between generosity and stinginess. Even when you're being nice, your inherent greed is finding a way to benefit. Despicable.

Even when you're being nice, your inherent greed is finding a way to benefit.

But you said "inherent" .. INHERENT .. and youre holding that against me?

IN-HAIR-ANT.

Whatever.

Hello, 1994?

2009-03-22T18:37:00.001-07:00

Hello, 1994?

Yeah .. remember, we broke up. It is over. You were 365 of the best days of my life. You gave me my first born child, for which I will always love you.
You and I will always share an unbreakable bond, I dont deny that.
But, 1994, you're so ... so ... 1994! Youre never going to change, youre never going to move on! You will always be .. 1994.
Ive moved on. Im a totally different person now. I am older and wiser and fatter ...

*****************************************************
Ha! Look at that. I confess that Im 15 years fatter and 1994 cuts and runs. Typical.

Yes Internets .. it was 1994 around here again this weekend. What happened? No Internet, thats what happened. I am seriously traumatized. I lived 1994 once already; before internet, before FaceBook and MySpace ... before Bossy and Dooce and TheBloggess .. before I knew there were other SarcasticMoms out there like me. Me and 1994, we were cool .. but I moved on and 1994 didnt.

This happened once before .. only this time I dont have Lotus to blame .. but if I could figure out a way to blame her, I totally would.

i couldnt make this shit up

2009-03-20T04:12:00.001-07:00

todays horoscope from some place that sends it to me in email .. because they care.

Dear Samantha,

Here is your AstroSlam for Friday, March 20:

That little voice in your head is doing nothing for you ... all day it's just nag, nag, nag! You're completely insane. You have voices in your head! Check into a psyche ward before you're overwhelmed.

You.Dont.Say.

Hey Sushi !

2009-03-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

Ive had "real" sushi .. once. And by "real" I mean from a fancy schmancy hoity toity sushi place. I tried, I mean I tried SO HARD and yet I still managed to gag at every bite.

I wanted to love it, I wanted SO BADLY to love it. My problem was either a) its RAW FISH or b) the gallons and gallons of Jack Daniels I drank the night before still fucking with me.

We'll let Jesus decide.

-photo courtesy of B.Kicklighter, babymaker extraordinaire. Titled Birthday Dinner and teaching the boy some culture.

i can has cheezburger?

2009-03-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

I hate .. I mean I HATE these stupid cat stupid things! (stupid) .. but this one .. awesome.

you know what i mean?

2009-03-17T19:31:00.003-07:00

Im pretty sure I suffer from Elementary School Drop Off Line ROAD RAGE.

Picture Day

2009-03-17T05:48:00.000-07:00

Today is picture day for my youngest daughter, shes in first grade. Everyone say "Hi, Devyn". Yes her hair is still wet and yes it was dry before she got on the bus and no its not that cold outside today and yes I think she's pretty neat.

Whats this photo got to do with Picture Day? Nothing. But is was taken at a school .. a University to be exact. Thats my foot at the end of my leg.
Whats the point? Well .. I took this photo the day I enrolled myself in the University again. So that alone is some pretty exciting shit, no?
Also, I wanted to be very Bossyish and take pictures of the lady who was preparing my transcript but I realized that I couldnt sit there and pretend to be trying to figure out my camera, like Bossy does, because I drive a point and shoot Kodak EasyShare and not some fancy schmancy Cannon or whateverthehell like Bossy does.
So I took this picture instead because Are my shoes ugly? Do they make me look like a lesbian? (thats a PINK Nike swoosh, thankyouverymuchoveropinionatedbutthead)

because this means more than what i just spewed

2009-03-16T14:11:00.000-07:00

Every 42 seconds, someone attempts suicide in the United States, Every 86 seconds, an individual calls the National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE.
Last year we experienced a 30% increase in calls due to the economic recession. This St. Paddy's Day if you plan to buy a round of drinks we ask you to skip one round of drinks to help us support the network and the people who are losing their jobs, homes and are desperate for support. $10 will help us connect 30 people to resources that will help them get housing, medical help, mental health and addictions services, food and other support. The Kristin Brooks Hope Center founded the National Hopeline Network, toll-free private confidential suicide prevention crisis lines. The National Hopeline Network is a private non-profit and receives no government support. We are available to the public 24/7 solely through the support of the general public - you
1-800-SUICIDE is listed in almost every phone directory in the US and receives up to 2,000 calls a day from individuals in crisis.
1-800-SUICIDA - One out of every seven Latina women will attempt suicide. The economic downturn has greatly increased the number of calls to 800-SUICIDA from citizens isolated from their families, unable to support their families, unable to find any one to help.
1-877-YOUTHLINE - Suicide is the second leading cause of death for youths 16-24. The Youthline connects callers to trained peer counselors who understand and have experienced physical and sexual abuse, self-injury, sexual identity issues, have been bullied, experienced a breakup, are victims of divorce, feel like they have already failed at their life.
1-800-PPD-MOMS - This crisis line connects women with other Mothers and women who have experienced post-partum depression. PPD indiscriminately affects all races, socio-economic levels. It impacts women with healthy babies in loving families, as well as single mothers on their own, it also can impact women who have terminated their pregnancies. Callers receive help and hope from trained women. No callers are judged, they are only offered support and referrals.
1-877-VET 2 VET - Currently, combined suicides in our armed forces is exceeding the number of monthly deaths of servicemen and women serving in Iraq. Vet 2 Vet connects members of the armed forces and their families to trained crisis line workers when peer support who understand the complications of post traumatic stress disorder, being physically injured, as well as being deployed for extended periods away from families and loved ones are not available.
With your help, when an individual calls one of the lines of the National Hopeline Network, it will be answered. $10 will connect 30 people to help and hope, please help us pay our phone bill.

***I had an actual blog post written out .. then I noticed a new message in my email .. this was that message and I decided that this message was far more important that mine***

because the love overwhelmed me

2009-03-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

Jenny, the Bloggess – The line IS so thin .. yet the choke hold so strong. You say things will get better and I believe you because you are The Bloggess. (and I worship you)

Maggiemaeul – It was the first time I had showered since Sunday and I only did it because my armpits smelled like onions. (im kidding) … (no Im not)

Conqueror – selfish. Can do.

Andrea – Clean clothes never stay clean. Can I get some help with that?

Silverstar – 10 days huh? Impressive!

Jaysquared – Yeah, the moments of despair are just moments .. especially when youre consolation prize is rapid cycle mania.

Ian.Baily – SSHHHH .. that totally wont help me get SSI.

Thank you.JPerksofbeingme - Warmer please, though.

Lu – Im glad you made it through too!

Dad2boy – I believe anything Jenny says. She is so wise. Im gonna Google Pristiq because my doctor has NOTHING on Google.

Veronica – back atcha biatch. (not to be confused with bitch, which might be offensive to some)

Negar – you just confirmed that I am .. indeed .. a SuperStar.

TMC – See above comment to Ian.Baily

CrazyOnYou – I know exactly what you mean .. there are times when I am 100% positive that by the time I take my next step I will have taken my last breath.

Lotus – I’ve cried with you more times than you’ll know. I have yet to find words for you as graceful as those you’ve given me. Thanks for making me feel like a total asshole. (god bless the sarcastic mind) (ps. Did you know that you are one of my top TWO favorite blogs?! .. so yeah .. having you comment on my blog is like having Britney Spears talk to ME in that strange British accent. This totally rocks)

Amy turn sharp of doobleh-vay -- I choose sleep because booze is costing too much.

Cecimeanspeas – funny you say “theres a whole big world out there” because as I was melting down in the shower .. I was looking at the shower curtain and all I could think was “I CANT GO OUT THERE!”

Rocyn – did they have good food?

Jennifer H – I don’t really have a lot of friends on the internet. I just happened to post this on The Bloggess’ comment page because 1) it was a true story and 2) since I was feeling better (read: manic) I decided I would give Jenny something to laugh at. Jenny has a heart, apparently, and twittered it to the world. For this I will always love Jenny (well, for this and the fact that she is one notch crazier than I am which makes life worth living)

Gcotharn – thank you, and I do. I wanted to send you a little chuckle back .. but I’ve got nothing.

Tracy Lynn – Sister Mercy! You checked into the WRONG psych ward!

Luna – I prefer to have crazy moments during the day. Preferably in public. When Im manic I think that being Mad is crazywackycool. This right here proves I really am nuts but it also proves I have the Britney Spears coolness factor.

Hope – No need to get out of your jammies until your armpits smell like onions.

Back-in-black – Im lazy, We can keep it real. Have I been in a mental hospital before? Yes. Will I again? Im sure.

Harlequinade – my crazy is so much more fun than your crazy. (thank you for the words of encouragement .. sincerely.)

I hope ya'll continue to come back .. even though the pressure is now totally on. I stopped writing at my old blog because, while what I said there was original and real and ME .. I felt like I had created a place where I wasnt totally comfortable putting ALL of me out there.
Thats why I created this place. I hope you'll stick with me while I grease the gears and get things going.

In the mean time .. feel free to take a look at the archives .. for shits and giggles if for nothing else. (some of you may note that there are large chunks of posts missing from these archives and you would be correct. That would be on account of mass quantities of vodka and very little if not ZERO prescription medication. Eh.)

Just.In.Case

2009-03-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

So yesterday afternoon I had a total mental breakdown while I was in the shower.

Then I went to my bedroom and laid down on my bed naked, for a long time.

Then I got up and did a load of laundry, because I hadnt washed any of MY clothes in almost three weeks.

I did a load of my laundry because I decided that I would be much more comfortable in the mental hospital if I had a bag of freshly washed clothes with me.

All of this is true and yes, I was 100% convinced that I would be admitted to the mental hospital before night fall last night.

Somehow I wasnt.

I just felt the need to say that. Here. Now.

I dont know why.

Good thing I still have some clean clothes.

Just. In. Case.

.. Because I Love Him .. regardless

2009-03-13T20:19:00.000-07:00

My Brother

(I know)

As they say at the Casino "and the Lady gets paid"

2009-03-13T19:06:00.001-07:00

So certain someones (read:APOM) are all in a tizzy ..
because when this is thru, they'll be all dizzy ..
from writing those checks made out to Madness ..
Badness.

the coldest story ever told

2009-03-05T06:13:00.000-08:00

Ive pleaded with you till Im blue in the face.
Im begging and pleading for you to hear my case.
Put it all down and take my hand.
Put it all down and make this stand.

Youre spending so much time and so much energy
trying to convince me that *I* am the one so ready
to call it all off .. to run away ..

You keep saying that you dont want to lose me
At this point all youve done is convince me
that youre the one who cant move past what you see in me.

I cant take your doubt of my heart
I cant take your falling apart
This is my last chance
My one final stand
Take me by the hand
Or just lose your gold band.

pieces

2009-03-04T23:30:00.000-08:00

So far, everyone we meet ... falls in heaps at our feet.

at your foot or mine ...they each need their piece.

Youve come here in search of that which you've festered

youve come here and found ... what youve been after.

Who is my audience? ... Me

2009-03-04T23:04:00.000-08:00

Because I am my audience .. until I hit the button.

Because I cant be driven away .. here is what I have to say
I have no heart .. I took your soul
I gave you life ... five in a row.

You call out my crazy and they can see your Madness
After sixteen years .. you'd think we'd have had it.

Im begging you not to throw it all in ...
Youre begging me .. to reveal your own sin.

They dont know what we've been through
They dont know about me and you.

Madness

2009-03-01T16:52:00.000-08:00

Im gonna bet you can learn a LOT about me without me saying much and just posting certain video instead .. lets see what we come up with.

Sarah Silverman, Benicio DelToro, Ryan Phillipe ... this scene is just freaking hilarious to me. The first time I saw it I couldnt stop laughing and had to rewind it over and over. Its sick .. I know, but its hilarious to me.

The best part about this scene is when Tim Roth spews vomit the instant he sees the dead whore ... that and when Antonio Banderas opens the door and all he says is "Did they misbehave?"

Ohhhh I am sick and a little twistie.